why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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