i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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