And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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