my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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