First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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