But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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