so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize