I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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