Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
In America we eat man semen.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
