It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize