Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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