Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
