Non-Jews are for practice
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
