your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
