ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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