I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
FUCK WHALES
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
