No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
