Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
