I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
