Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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