Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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