I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize