just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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