Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
