i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
