The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
