I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
