So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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