went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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