How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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