Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
