i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
