I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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