The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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