Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
