He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize