and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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