When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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