I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
