i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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