Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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