when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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