Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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