We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
