Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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