he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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