i always forget guys have bellybuttons
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
