I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
