i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
