I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
