You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize