I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
