My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
