I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Randomize
