Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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