just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
