Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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