My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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