I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
