Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
