Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
