I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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