On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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