We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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