i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
