she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
