when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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