A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize