drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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